Fear of Telling

(from my journal) So i have this fear of trying to explain to any of the devotees about my relationshipwith Prabhupada. This is what they all want, so there would be a lot of envy, disbelief, and the general attitude that I was either lying or joking, and those in authority would call me a sahajiya (one who takes things very cheaply) And nobody would believe that Prabhupada came to me despite my meat-eating diet and, upon hearing the scriptural reasons, approved it for me (not for everybody).. But Prabhupada is not one-sided--like Krishna, he is all-sided, and he has the power to adjust the rules for any individual.

There is no policy in Krishna consiousness that you should keep spiritual experiences secret, as many other groups say. I dont know! I tried telling Jitendriya but froze up and couldnt do it! I just had to say, Prabhu pada has noticed me--after all these years, I have managed to attract his attention, and he says, "Hey, Clayton!" If you spend most of your time writing long articles about Krshna consiousness and publishing them on the internet, I think sooner or later Prabhupada will take notice of your work, and that is a long, lomng cherished ambition of mine.

Trying not to freeze up is too hard--I have decided to follow the Crowley/occult principles and not tell anyone s--t about my realizations--that way I wont cause any negativity or envy, and will continue to be like the 6th Patriach--he just pounded rice in his monastery because the other monks did not think him good for anything--but he recieved the dharma transmission from the 5th Patriach--then he had to run for his life. So next consideration--do these sort of blissful moods do me any good? I should be in normal consiousness--whatever it takes to achieve that I should do--I dont need any altered states--"The first duty of a transendentalist is to control his mind and senses." (rupa Goswami) This means if prescription drugs are required, take them. And chant Hare Krishna, carry out whatever ceremonies and rituals are required, remember the spiritual master always, or at least 3x a day, and try to accept the four regs and make them your own, And if you cant do all this, at least read one of Srila Prabhupada's books.