On chanting the Holy Names

The Holy Names are the Sound Incarnation of the Supreme Good. They come down hand to hand like picking mangoes from the top of a tree. This special formuilation of the Names, the Maha-mantra, is expecially designed by the Lord Himself, to be efficacious in vanquishing all the ills of this Kali Age, or Age of Quarrel and Iron Industry. Among these ills are illicit sex, intoxication, meat-eating, and gambling or mental speculation. These are the four primary sins of the Age. It is said that all these sins dwell where there is gold. (Sin means forgetfulness of God, or Krishna). These and so many other bad quaities that come to us in this Age are destroyed by chanting the maha-mantra: Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare/Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare. Destroying sins and bad qualifgies is only one aspect of the power of the Names--they elevste us to the platform of great yogis and saints, and give us Krishna prema, pure love of God, the Goal of all existence. But it is written, "the mere sound of Hare Krishna is not the holy Name--the feeling with which we chant, like a child calling for its mother, evokes the true Name. Srila Prabhupada, out of humility, did not speak of this, but "Prabhupada" is also a maha-mantra--"The name of the Guru is a maha-mantra".

when you're out of Bud, you're out of Beer

At this posting, one more day til payday. Meanwhile I have run up a $100 overdraw at the bank, and I am living on a credit card that I hope not to max out. You may appreciate that I only have $200 at most per month for food, bus fares, and everything, so I am exhausting possibilities of anyone who will give me money or lend me money--"Money is the honey" (old devotee saying) People who have never been broke cant appreciate the situation. At least, I dont have a wife and six children looking to me to provide for them! Like the title says, and that's the story--"When you're out of Bud, you're out of Beer!

God is the Guru

"Everybody in the World is rendering service to Lord Krishna one way or another. Some are doing it favorably, and others, antagonistically." Christian Science has convinced me that God is the Guru--I had been hung up on the idea of human teachers, so I was happily surprised when I was advised to get a copy of Science and Health and maybe a Bible, and Divine Mind would teach me directly.

I have gotten down to the last third of my ms-which is rather scattered--I am going to have tro provide a narrative to tie together visits from various philosophers, such as Ron Hubbard. His son, you know, says Scientology is simply black magic--only black magic takes a short time and Scientology takes a long time.

In Thelema, things happen--sometimes without your knowledge or consent--sometimes very wonderfully, sometimes over time, and sometimes it wasnt your will, anyhow! It is a very streamlined, up to date Formula-if it works for you, you will know it!

New Book in Progress

Various people have encouraged me to write an autobiography--autobiographys wont sell unless you are a celebrity--so it is really a history of the development of psychiatry, especially drug therapy, from 1970 to the present, in the form of anecdotes from my more than 200 involuntary hospitalizations. It is also a chronicle of my spiritual/magickal quest in the time I was not being hospitalized, to the Goal of the Ideal of Pure Devotion as practiced and taught by the Gaudiya saints, and specifically by HDG Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada, whom I have spoken of before on this blog. I have 51 pages done, and God knows how I will come up with another 5l pages, but I think that will be done with it. I tentatively titled it Meds: My life in Mental Hospitals and Beyond--but I might just call it Nutcases and Seekers.

The Path

So I was a seeker, and I found what I was seeking--so it hasnt all been a waste of time after all. but the Path can be long--and sometimes not visible--and there are forks in the road, and you have to decide which fork to take--and sometimes you have to go back--of course, the whole Path can be traversed in seconds, also--it is a matter of understanding the fact. At first, I didnt know where I was going--but I set foot on the Path there, and as Crowley assures us, "One who takes but one step on this Path will surely come to the end of it."

Writing Book

A lot of positive feedback has persuaded me to start on a book called
Meds: My Life in Mental Hospitals and Beyond, a story of the more than 200 involuntary hspitalizations I suffered from 1970 to 1990, and my quest for spiritual truth which ran through it all, from the age of 13 to the present, and the many offbeat religions and cults I associated with, that culminated in my attaining the lotus feet of HDG Srila Prabhupada, my eternal, real father. Srila Prabhupada is alive, and he can appear to anyone with full powers of the Jagadguru.

"Krishna" smacks of "Christ-na"

Since I invited some of the Thelemites in here, maybe I should try to explain again--how to be a Thelemite and a Hare Krishna- "krishna' smacks of "Christ-na" and in fact is the same word, that came to the Middle East from India through Persia. Thelemites are basically "Anti-Christians" trying to find some way to avoid all the slain and risen gods in Tiphareth--perhaps by putting Therion there--or the Devil, which ever comes firsr. But Krishna is not a Sun-god--there is in fact a lot of water connected with Him as Gharbodakasayi Vishnu, and an Ocean of Milk as Ksirodakasayi Vishnu. His Pastimes, as found in the 10th Canto of Srimad Bhagavatam, are not those of a partial diety representing some partial aspect of an impersonal godhead. They are the Pastimes of the Supreme Personality of Godhead, embracing unlimited qualities. He is not a manifestation of the Impersonal, but the source of the Impersonal. These Pastimes may be studied in the Krsna Books. I shuld add that Crowley told us we should not neglect Jesus--if we do, He will get the reputation of being some sort of Devil and attract all the good people". And the Christians think Krishna is the Devil anyhow, so---

Vaishnavism is a real religion. Whereas the most important precept in Thelema is to keep away from that Book!

Mystical Experiences?

After the disappearance of Srila Prabhupada, so many inauspicious things have happened--it has been worse than the sinking of the Titanic--at this juncture, the lifeboats are all gone and it is every man for himself.

The ISKCON group (which is the biggest and wealthiest) has too many gurus for me--these gurus fall into disgrace frequently, and I do not need one--i am Prabhupada's disciple and friend, and Srila Prabhupada has appeared to me enough times after his physical demise that there is no doubt in my mind that our direct relationship continues, from the time of the 2d Ave storefront to the present, and getting better--Prabhupada now recognizes me as servant and son, and admits that there is quite a bit to my "avadhuta" nature.

Of course, some of this is "mystical experience", and the Hare Krishnas, like all churches, do not like mystical experiences. As they say, they begin with mist and end with schism. They read about them in CC and bhag, but do not want to directly encounter it. And what would I be doing with my life if I didnt have a few mystical experiences?

When Siddhanta Saraswati "grafted the creeper of bhakti unto an organization" he did a very dangerous thing--because bhakti goes one way and organizations go another; money, prestige, and followers are what concern an organization, whereas divine love, truth, and humility are qualities which attract bhakti. That is why I make myself independent of all these organizations, ISKCON, Gaudiya Math, etc. I do not depend on them, I depend on my friends, Srila Prabhupada and Srila Sridhar, and I think that is sufficient for me.

Unity of What?

Religion is a bore; They all exist to make people subservient to the status quo and to keep women down. Various people have taken up the slogan of "Unity of world religions"--one such is Rev.Moon, who has planned to unite them on the basis of his being the Messiah and the King of Kings--Rev.Moon is frightened of the Vaishnavas, though--we have the number of all sorts of messiahs and incarnations of God--that and a dollar will almost get you a cup of coffee. If he is JC, he no longer cares for the poor and he has lost his ability to perform miracles.

Another was Satguru Sant Keshavadas, who tried to Hinduize them all--that did not work--please, Sant, no more Om Jehovah Om!

It is too much to bite off--I can reconcile these things in myself, but not change the thinking of billions of people--and as Srila Prabhupada said, "There isnt going to be any unity". Srila Bhaktisiddhanta Saraswati, the leader of the Gaudiya Math, "declared totalitarian war on Maya and all other existing conceptions of religion"---now there is a bold approach!

Siddhanta Saraswati was a genius---if you ever run across anything written by him, buy it.

Restless!

I am so restless today--lie down--get up--lie down--try to read--put it down--try to read something else--turn on computer--turn off computer--call a friend--talk--put shoes on--take shoes off--put shoes on and go out---have a Coke and come back--take shoes off---pick up around the house--get notebook---try to write--put notebook down--try to nap--can't sleep--get up--put on flannel shirt with NT in pocket--take off flannel shirt with NT in pocket, put on jean jacket--I am so restless and I am naturally restless--known to disappear from events--I have tried so hard to present Krishna consciousness in this blog--it is not easily done unless one is a Master of Language Arts--I am only an Associate. Pardon me my failings and my restlessness.It is something True and Actual, not imaginary. Lie down--get up--lie down, try to nap---get up--turn on computer--write this---

Taking a Risk

I am taking a big risk for Prabhupada and Krishna. (That is a form of devotional service recommended by Rupa Goswami). I bought a computer program called the Vedabase. the 1972 version of Bhagavad Gita As It Is, and Life comes from Life. Then I bought the original Bhagavatam set (reproduction) that Prabhupada brought with him on the boat when he came to America. That is a lot more money than I have left to eat with. So i must depend on the spiritual master to keep me fed.

I am thinking of Vrndaban Chandra, who kept wanting to have a duality between Srila Prabhupada and Krishna as to who was more con cer ned for us. In my view, I do not want to disturb Lord Krishna in His Pastimes to make Him come and serve me! That is what the spipritual master is for--to handle all problems of his disciples so Krishna does not have to bother. To this end, the spiritual master has many mystic powers and spiritual energies to accomplish anything Krishna could do.

Krishna and the spiritual master are non-different, which is the Vaishnava way of saying, "the same", There is a famous verse declaring this, "Know that I Myself am the acarya", and Prabhupada says, humbly, "Krishna is the real Guru". I follow that devotee who told Lord Chaitanya, "Krishna I do not know--Krishna is far away--I know you!"

How to be found by Jesus

So many people "find Jesus"--myself, like the original disciples, I didnt choose Him--He choose me! I always tried to get away from Him! Like Yahweh choose the Jews--they didnt want to be chosen--they were always whoring after strange gods--been there, done that! Eventually I was dogged enough, and I had to give up! I accepted Jesus as my diksha guru (initiating spiritual master), and we have had a relationship since. At least, nobody can say He isn't a "living master". But I do not think much of the "authority' of the Bible--I think the Gospels are all made up stories and nobody knows anything of the actual life of Jesus Christ--that is yet to be written. There are maybe some hints in the Aquarian Gospel, but the real story may be quite different---there is a lot of magick in the Gospels--whoever wrote them must have really been "into" all that.

No Fools Allowed

As I reach 61 years of age, my life has come to make sense. It has all been the development of an Idea--that is called the Krishna Conception--there were times when I paid no attention to the Idea--I was climbing up the Tree of Life in order, Malkuth, Yesod, Tipareth, and so forth like the Magician is said to--the Mystic goes straight up to Kether without touching the other Sephiroth. But the Idea was taking care of me, even when I was not caring for the Idea, and I choose to go the Mystic route--up,up, and away--behind the Three Veils of the Unmanifest is the Krishna Conception--the Highest Conception of the Godhead. The greatest regret I have in my life is that I shuold never have spent a second in day treatment or halfway houses-I learned nothing and they could not help me-that is all simply time wasted. I should have gone to the Temple and begged and pleaded until they let me stay--that is the development of the relationship with the spiritual master, Srila Prabhupada, my eternal, real father---the spiritual master has all the powers of God, and if he finds you interesting and sincere, he will arrange everything for you to enter into that Idea and become wise. Some devotees like to say, "I am only a fool"but actually, no fools are allowed into devotional service. If you have developed a relationship with Srila Prabhupada, you are no fool-such a relationship is very rare.

Getting Too Close

I sometimes think that all this stuff about becoming the intimate friend of God, or even His conjugal lover---aren't I becoming a sahajiya? Many people are satisfied just to be able to worship the True God in a formal manner, and do a little service--most of the Christian world is quite content with some distance between themselves and the Lord--they have some awe and some fear of what might happen if they get too close--and yet the Apostolic Blessing is not diminished, and grace continues to flow. It is maybe a more decorous way to approach God, and highly impertinent to bring pastimes of Goloka into it--I was raised in that, and I really liked it--we kept our distance from God and Christ, but we were happily in their fold. Maybe I am "playing with God', as one streetcorner preacher accused. Maybe we should learn awe and reverence first, and become Vaikuntha men before we go to Goloka!!

Pop's ghost

I couldnt live with the ghost of my physical father any longer---demeaning, insulting--I could not continue to relive things with Pop (which means "sin" in Sanskrit)-so I accepted Srila Prabhupada as my real father, considering that he is my ever-well-wisher. And that was the right decision--Pop's ghost went away immediately, and Prabhupada took charge, arranging things for me, arranging a better service for me, and speaking to me--one evening , he went over my life and accomplishments with me so that I have no doubts that he knows who I am--and so I am "recognized" by the spiritual master at last, after a lifetime of trying and seeking. I am not afraid of any other philosophy because Srila Prabhupada is my eternal, real father.

Jai Prabhupada!

Jehovah's Witnesses

Some Jehovah's Witnesses came by today--attractive young black ladies--they left me an article about Is There a One True Religion? I presume it proves yes, and it is theirs--Suta Goswami answered this early in the Bhagvatam: The best religion is that which best teaches how to love God. The Witnesses leave me pretty much alonebecause I tell them immediately that I am not "into' the Bible. I consider the Bible a crazy-making book because so many people have fgone crazy studying the Bible. You can prove anything with it, and thus it is not a "clear book of guidance" like the Qu'ran. Both Bible and Qu'ran are called, mlccha scripturres--meaning they were given to the peoples who rejected the Vedic wisdom. Of course, like any educated person, I can quote a few verses from it--'it was written", says the spiritual master, "by this saint and that saint out of their imagination." Dont come to me trying to prove things out of the Bible--there's no end to things you can prove out of the Bible, and thus comes one nutty sect after another.Tarkoprathishtanat---He, the Lord, is not attained by logic.

Beautiful Qualities

My good friend, Ajitananda das, wrote a small booklet called The 26 Beautiful Qualities of Srila Prabhupada. Since then, I have observed five more--Prabhupada is no average pure devotee! I want to add them to the list in the same style--the qualities are: brilliant, highly intelligent, possesses many energies, all knowing, and a good friend.

Srila Prabhupada's brilliance is shown in the way in which he could immediately grasp a topic, however abstruse, and give an incisive and concise answer to any question. He could dazzle the questioner with his quick grasp of all the pertinent data and his amazing ability to reduce a complex subject to a few simple words.

Once while accepting questions at a lecture in San Francisco, one person asked, 'What abut the Kundalini?"prabhupada replied, "When you come to Krishna consciousness, kundalini is all done."

Momma

Momma just loved to be Momma. I figured out by the time I was 13 that momma's care for my every need was for her benefit, not my benefit. At 13 she still wanted to tie my shoes for me. Pop was envious of the care she gave me, but he didnt understand her very well. I didnt need my socks put on the radiator every morning so they would be nice and toasty for me to put on.
Everybody wanted to have a momma like mine, but I saw through to the problem.

Later, when I was a young hippie living in the Central Village, the tearful letters began. "Come home! Come home!" my mother would plead--actually it wasnt my home--my father, for some insane reason, had bought a saloon out in the deep redneck part of North Florida, and he wanted to be a "cracker"--for him, that was a compliment. Since my mother's letters would break your heart, I came "home". Worst decision I ever made! Decided I would never do it again, and took the opportunity to move to California, before I really started setting down roots in NYC.

In a short time, here came the letters again. This time she was sending money, too, $20 here, $30 there--plainly my mother was trying to buy me, now. And of course, she was "Momma" to everybody in the saloon. What also came were shouting matches on the phone with my father I would tell him 'that is not my home" and he would roar "This is your home!" Well, home is where you feel at home, I say--it's a metaphysical thing, not a physical location, home is where you feel happy and satisfied, and all your doubts are resolved, and all your questions answered--that is home according to Srila Guru Maharaj--home sweet home. Although I have never owned a house here, and sometimes have been homeless, even, California is home for me--and I aspire to that greater Home known as Golok.

Momma ended by having a severe stroke which paralysed her left side entirely--no more waiting on us hand and foot--Pop had to put her in a nursing home--he was too proud to get Medicaid for her, so he had to spend thousands of dollars keeping her there, and she lasted about a year there and died--Pop died six months later--they were both 82. Pop hated California--which is good, we dont need crackers here! And I didnt go to either of their funerals--and I guess that ended my association with North Florida, too. Which is not a bad place, but there are only three reasons to live there--first, you were born and raised there; second, you have a really good job there, and finally, you met this really hot chick there. Barring any of these three reasons, go someplace you can get bagels!

Comments and Questions

Could it be that nobody is listening here? I am just talking to myself? Couldnt be! But I havent recieved a single comment, not even by somebody disagreeable! Anyhow, I know I'm a smart guy because I asked the little men who live inside of the computer a question nobody had ever asked them before! It was a real basic question, but the little men said they had no answer for me. So I'm either very smart or very dumb, and I prefer to think of myself as very dumb, because the dumber I think I am, the smarter I get, and oe has to meet homo sapiens on his own level. That's something from Scientology I am not yet convinced of--that you have to meet the emotional tone of a person in order to communicate with them. My experiments with this are inconclusive. I dont particularly like the Tone Scale, and the way it is operant is silly, but there it is in a large book called Science of Survival. Of course, I am a discarded person to Ron's group, and I dont care for them, either---too goddam extroverted and cheerful and able!
Is anybody out there? Help, I'm trapped in a warehouse store!

Vedabase and Politix

Well, today I went ahead and bought the Vedabase, which is all of Prabhupada's books plus his letters and his room conversations all on CD--$150--regularly $365. And the books and lectures of Ron Hubbard cost, like $3,500--I love Ron, but not that much! I recommend http://KrishnaStore.com more bang for your buck--they have the original Prabhupada Gita, from before the editors started messing with it, and essentially wrote their own, in the name of "improving the meaning".

Right now there are a lot of factions ion the movement--and just like Prabhupada stayed aloof from the confucion in the Gaudiya Math after Bhaktisiddhanta passed away, just so and without imitating, I am holding myself aloof from all the politix and shenanigans and simply asociating with Srila Prabhupada and Srila Guru Maharaj (Sridhar Dev). I cannot in any good conscience belong with ISKCON---they have become a phony guru factory, turning out at least 78 bogus gurus in the past few years. If guru is that cheap, you and I can be guru, too, without a vote of approval--how would they like that? The "Light" can leave Prabhupada's organization, just like Protestants say the light has left the Catholic Church. Interesting though, if you actually study the Bible, it agrees a whole lot with the Catholic Church, and very litle with people who specialize
in Bible-basing things.

Too Zoon Alt, Too Late Schmart

One of my correspondents on www.bpbabble.com thinks I am wise--if he knew how I have mismanaged my life, he would never think that! Part of it has been the illness--and many involuntary hospitalizations, and resistance to taking the necessary drugs--at first, of course, all they had was thorazine, which is not a fun drug to take, and I refused to take it unless I was being forced to. Later things got better, and I was given haldol decoinate by injection once a month, didnt work by itself, but when one shrewd psychiatrist decided to add lithium carbonate to it, finally got the relief I needed. Thereafter the haldol stopped working for some reason so I was put on an atypical, and now I am adjusting to another atypical.

I always wanted tto write something, but my bouts of creativity turned into mania. and I would be taken away by the cops for scaring my roommate--I never laid a hand on him in all of it--I am a nonviolent type guy. Besides this, I am a pretty good musician, but I have always wanted to be a writer instead. To keep plenty of pens and paper around is my motto. The title of this post translates into: Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart, in case you dont get it. I saw it in gift shops in GA. I have come to believe that non-violent patients are considered the most dangerous--if you show some violence they know what you can do, but if you dont, there's no telling what you might do!

Bad Devotee Website

There is a prominent devotee website where I wanted to register to comment on blogs. I have never seen such nasty messages as their program gave me when I tried for registration. And when I completed a fairly long form and clicked submit, the next page to appear said, "You are denied access to this page". It certainly made me feel that all these people, religious as they are, could go fuck themselves in a bucket of hot shit! They think too much of themselves, they think they are the red-hot preachers, and they dont care about anybody else's feelings. This was a bunch of crap, and I am not sending anyone there anymore just to have this kind of trouble!

Urdhva-Reta--His Semen flows Upwards

Semen is very valuable to a yogi--just ask Muktananda Swami, who has written a great deal on this topic. I will tell you my take on all that: If a yogi can make his semen flow upwards to the brain instead of outwards and often for no purpose, he has attained the goal of yoga. and to the end of liberation, he practices celibacy, and this requires a set of uncommon skills. Here his determination, or will-power, is really unimportant, because this is not a matter of willpower, but of "plugging in" to the Vedic sage, Srila Prabhupada, who can encourage him when he fails, and who recites the Vedic hymns to him when he feels about tro "fall".

Though my life is fraught with failure, I never lose hope in the Greater Ideal--if I fall down, I am caught in the arms of Tulasidevi and Prabhupada, so I do not consider failure to be very bad--it is simply a consideration I have made---and seeing that I am already on the ground, I cannot fall anywhere or any further.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

So many people want "respect" of one kind or another, or they will be offended and kill you--so great is the urge to get "respect". Actually, respect is commanded, not demanded, and it is not the business of the devotee to go around demanding it. His business is to feel that he is "lower than a worm in stool" and not stay in the "respect-demanding" business. The prayer runs"more tolerant than a tree, lower than the steaw in the street", and the follower of that prayer in fact is a true bhakta.

Meat-eating Macho, and L.Ron Hubbard

Ron considers that real men kill animals for food--so why dont real men take their psych drugs, Ron? If we're going to put it in terms of macho, why are you scared of a litle pill, but have enough courage to do something completely unneccesary to a poor animal?

Why not just live on fruits, vegetables, grains, nuts, milk and milk products, Ron, the prescribed food for human being by people smarter than you--imagine that!

Ron claimed to have met some yogis in his travels, but his complaint was that all that involved withdrawal from the world, which he didnt like--he wanted to kill cows and be part of the world. He must not have read Bhagavad Gita, which shows how to carry out one's worldly responsibilityj and still be a perefect yogi

Psych Drugs and Yoga

I am in the midst of a med change--I was on risperdal for about 4 years, but started to have a bad reaction to it--doc took me off it and started me on abilify, which has less extra-pyramidal symptoms, but is hard to get used to. One reason is that I feel freer mentally on it, whereas I am used to having my mind really "nailed down". Both of these drugs are atypical anti-psychotics.

Yoga means to control the ever-disturbing mind and senses--by whatever means necessary! If it is necessary for me to have a whole bunch of sex to bring the mind under control, I can do that. If it is necessary to deviate from the yogi's diet of one chapatti a day, no butter, and eat beef like a Muslim, I can do that, too. Sometimes we just have to depend on the Chaitya Guru--God in the heart, to advise us--sometimes the external guidance is not there.

There is really no practice, no kind of pretzel one can twist oneself into, which will control the mind as well as drugs--if you have an extremely wayward mind, there is nothing for it but anti-psychotics, valium, and other drugs which the late L.Ron Hubbard taught his "disciples" to hate. Hate they might, but Dianetic processing is so ineffectual in this regard, that Ron had to refuse to audit anyone with any history of hospitalization.

So I favor the chanting of the Maha-mantra as the best thing to help bring the mind under control when combined with drugs. Of course, the Maha-mantra shouldnt be used for our purposes--we are to be used for it's purposes! This is sometimes called "bhakti yoga" but really, we dont have any bhakti, or love of Godhead--it's merely mantra yoga, and sticking with one thing is very important--one mantra. I personally have had enough of scatterbrained Masters who couldnt stick to one thing--Crowley is one, and Sant Keshavadas was another. If Crowley had just taken up the chanting of Hare Krishna and stuck with it his whole life until death, he would have had quite a different history. And Sant Keshavadas would have joined the Gaudiya Math instead of criticising that we werent "cosmic",

In those matters, there is a lot of politics these days. I think I am really not in ISKCON nor in the Gaudiya Math, but I feel I am closer to the Gaudiya Math through Srila Sridhar Dev Maharaj. Essentially, I am an independent Hare Krishna who loves Srila Prabhupada and Srila Sridhar Dev and does not want to join a faction in the quarrels between devotees..

"Network of Illusions?"

A good friend of mine, who has been a Hare Krishna for 30 years, is a non-computer person--he prefers to fix toilets and washing machines and like that, at the Temple, and to look on the internet as a "network of illusions"--"no," I tell him, it's a tool for communication' --I think that is an understatement, dont you?

Devotees find their "service", after they have been around for a while--he is a handy guy and I am a writer--non-writers and writers cant communicate well, either---and people who read a lot of books dont neccesarily understand people who write them.

Of course, I cant install doors or pour cement or all that, but I can try to write in such a manner that you will not be scared off and you will find something interesting, or humorous, in all this philosophy. The things we share with the animals are, eating, sleeping, mating, and defending--if that is all you are doing, you have not yet reached the human platform of life. That platform begins with inquiry, "Who am I, and why am I always in trouble?" "I dont want miseries, but miseries come anyhow--why is that?" and, "athato brahma jijnasa--now is the time to inquire into Brahman, the Greatest".

So my friend, who can do so many herculean tasks, is scared of the internet! Personally, I was ordered by a Vaishnava to preach on the internet, and Prabhupada provided the means to do that, and so that is my service, althugh it is a little difficult to explain--"What do you write about?" people will ask, "Krishna things" I will reply. "Oh" they will say, disappointed. What do they expect me to talk about--Marxism-Leninism?

This idea of "preaching" simply means talking about the Goal of Life and how to achieve it--this is actually real Vedanta--the impersonalists call themselves Vedantists, but the real goal of Vedanta is to become a devotee of Radharani and Krishna--ultimately a servant of Radharani. That is the conclusion of Vedavyas in his commentary on Vedanta called Srimad Bhagavatam. We do not get up on a soapbox and harangue passersby like some so-called Christians do--they are simply giving their religion a bad name. We simply chant the Holy Names, give you something to eat, and then maybe we can interest you in the philosophy--and out here, I simply try to make it interesting, add a little humor, and hope that someone can understand.

It is not about "religion", my religion, your religion, his religion, it is about self-realization--Christianity means to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, not a "religion". Hare Krishna means to have a personal relationship with Srila Prabhupada--personally, I have a personal relationship with both of them---to say it is my "religion" is simply to try to put me in a "bag"--being put in a bag is to be philosophically castrated--being into religion is like being a liberal--both dirty words--so liberals call themselves "progressives" now, and religions call themselves "spiritual paths". To me, religion means to go to church on Sunday and give a dollar to a panhandler--I am talking about a lifestyle, not a "relilgion". You get up, bow to the spiritual master, and begin chanting your rounds--I chant 30 rounds daily--that is 108 maha-mantras for each round, times thirty. Actually, it took a great deal of practice to get up to that many rounds--some people think <"Oh, he is just chanting all the time, what is that?" but it is really an accomplishment--we do not like the Holy Names, so to be able to finish that number of rounds is real yoga.

Sun-God, Sun-God, Ra, Ra, Ra!

I just completed reading chap.`11 of the BGAI--the terrible Universal Form of the Lord, the Form of Time, who has come to devour all things and all beings, "Even the great personalities are vanquishesd by the influence of Time", so it was no wonder that Arjuna was frightened by this Form, 'Arjuna had no idea that his friend, Krishna, could manifest such a Form!

Some people with a poor fund of knowledge think that Krishna is merely a "Sungod" and that Arjuna is 'John, the disciple Jesus loved", but, plainly Krsna is much more than that--many Sungods come to see him, and His Pastimes are much more than that of a Sungod--Krsna is always the Master, always the Enjoyer--he never falls into the hands of the masses, or gets crucified like our most prominent Sungod/Savior does--that would be completely absurd.

If we read the Pastimes of Lord Sri Krishna impartially and without a personal agenda, we can understand that these are the pastimes of the Supreme Lord--of "God the Father" not of another "God the Son" or "God the SUN". Of course, the devotees do not so much like the idea of 'God the Father", because it is the occupation of the sons and daughters to ask of the father, and it is the father's business to give to the sons and daughters--the devotees would rather be in a position to give to God, say, when He becomes our son, rather than we become his sons--so that is not one of the eternal rasas with the Godhead.

And looking at it Quabalistically, even an antichristrian has to go through Tipareth, and the stories of every Sun-god, but what he will find there of Krishna is only the Supersoul--Krishna Himself is far above in Kether, and even far above Kether, in the Personal Godhead above the concealing 3 veils of the Unmanifest. Crowley did not like the Personal Godhead but he never saw it--if he had, his story would have had a different outcome.

There are three stages to self-realization: the first is Brahman, the impersonal absolute; the second is paramatma, God in the Heart; the third is Bhagavan, the personal Lord. As Guru Nanak says, "gur prasadi"--these realizations are the gift, or mercy, of the Guru, which is not baffling.

What or who is Guru is a subject for another post--suffice it any of the great personalities, Jesus Christ, Guru Nanak, Prophet Muhammed (pbuh), Nityananda Prabhu, etc. etc. are fit to fulfil this dimension for us, or Srila Prabhupada--he is eternal. Prabhupada said, "to say "Sri Guru" is impersonal-you should immediate give his name"so I will say that these meandering are conducted under the guidance of His Divine Grace A.C.Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada, my Guru Maharaj life after life.

The Devil in it All

I must confess that hadit418 is the name and address of the Devil--if you happen to believe in the Devil, which I sort of do--some things can only be explained by the existence of such a Person. Iblis was asked to bow to man at the creation, but he said "No. Man is made of earth and I am made of fire--I am better than he is" So Allah cursed him, and since that time he has been the sworn enemy of mankind--therefore to worship him or his works and ways is very foolish indeed, but it is not possible to avoid entirely, despite the optimism of the Catholic ceremony of baptism. The Devil, Shaitan, simply gets into things--Crowley restored the Barbarous Names almost entirely as a hymn to Shaitan, for that is the position of people like musicians and poets, who are usually in the Devil's Party. This source says that the Devil is the Sun in the South, when it manifests deadly, killing heat, whereas Jesus is the Sun in the North.

Med Changes--other Address

I have my main blog, the one with the long posts, at bpbabble.com, which is a social site for those with bipolar disease like myself. Recently I have been going through a med change from risperdal, which I had been taking for several years, to abilify. Both are atypical antipsychotics. but abiify has less EPS (extra-pyramidal symptoms) than the other. Just recently, I had had self-talk very badly, and yesterday the abilify finally stopped it--took two weeks to do that. Boy! You get some weird thoughts on this stuff! The address of my other blog is: http://bpbabble.com/clayton/.

Banking the Flame of Sex

There is an old saw among yogis--"you cant put out a fire by putting fuel on it"--but oh, yes you can! If you put enough fuel on, the fire will be reduced, and if you put on enough, you can put it out! It's called banking a flame, well known to stationary engineers.

That is what happened with the Buddha, before he became the Buddha: as a young Prince, he could have all the sex he wanted with the most beautiful women, any time he wanted, and he ended by saying, "What is this? What am I doing?" and gave it all up. My counter to the old saw is, "A starving man cant fast". I felt that I had not had the amount of sex or the number of partners that the average American guy of my age should have had. I could count the women I had sex with one one hand and have fingers left over, and I was in my 40's.

Lucky me, at that time I was living in a prostitution neighborhood of sorts, so I quickly ran out of fingers and toes, also, and then I became pleased with my attainments and stopped. This may be hard for the non-Thelemic yogi to grasp, but when I was no longer "starving" I could take a normal view of the thing and "fast". I treat hookers like people, and some treated me the same and some did not. I met a guy who wouldnt see a hooker because he "might fall in love with her"--poor guy had sex and love confused--might as well not go into McDonald's because you might fall in love with the clerk. I have never "fallen in love" with anybody I ever paid for sex, but I have liked most of them, and some have liked me. Of course, chicks in the "bargain basement"of the sex business tend to have a lot of problems--they tend to ring your doorbell at 3 am and stuff like that, but if you want the sex, that's what you put up with.

Some women in the nut department of the woman's movement consider prostitution to be rape--of who, I'd like to know--the prostitute or me?

Home Sweet Home

I have said that I am a number of things--a Thelemite, a Christian Scientist, a Hare Krishna--thing is, eclecticism only goes so far--when there is a fork in the Path, one must choose the way he wants to go. He must know how to go Home, where all his doubts are resolved, and all his questions are answered, and where he feels peaceful and satisfied--Home Sweet Home is essentially metaphysical--so which philosophy will carry him there? The fork in the Way is between the Personal and the Impersonal, between loving service as an eternal individual to the Supreme, Loving Autocrat, or to losing one's identity by merging into the Impersonal Absolute or the Voidness. Crowley choose the Voidness but he did not intend to stay there--"a dip in the Tao" was his idea.

Personally, I am captivated by a certain conception of the Highest, which Srila Sridhara Dev calls the "Krishna conception". In it, the High God is an eternal Playboy among the Damsels of Vraja--this is the highest conception, called Goloka, or Planet of the Cows. These Gopis are not ordinary cowherd girls--each is more than many demigoddesses--and supreme over all is Radhika, or Radharani, or Sri Radha, the dearest consort of Sri Krishna--and He simply engages in pleasure pastimes with these Gopis (and Gopas), without a care in the world, as the many Universes run automatically by his potencies. God has nothing to do--this is a very captivating concept.

Meeting with the bonafide spiritual master

Srila Prabhupada has been my spiritual master life after life--this life I have accepted him for the past 35 years, and I always had a great desire to talk to him, and unlike many who did, I have had something to say--but this desire never was fulfilled--he was surrounded by his liutenants and others whose business it was to keep people away from him--I never thought I would speak with him, especially after he left his body in 1977. But strangely, I did.

How is a very esoteric subject, and I do not know how he worked it, but I have definitely spoken to the one and only Srila Prabhupada. I had atracted his attention by blogging about Vaishnava matters constantly and in my own way instead of the standard Hare Krishna way; that, any my desire to write transcendental literature had interested him enouogh that, after investigating my history, creative and otherwise, he paid me a visit.

My good friend and mentor, the late Ajitananda das (who has now gone up to Golok) wrote a small book about "Srila Prabhupada's Wonderful Transcendental Qualities"--I now find this list to be incomplete. Further qualities are: very high intelligence, brilliance, a really good friend, great warmth, lack of pretention, always well-wishing, posesses many energies, all-knowing.

Srila Prabhupada is not an ordinary man--I thought he would be very critical of my failures to keep the regulative principles, but he was not. He didnt even mention it, and simply behaved as a very good friend would, encouraging me to continue writing about Krishna. I believe he agrees with Sant Keshavdasji "Krishna really doesnt care about all this celibacy and austerity--He just wants love and affection"

"How can you be so many things?"

I am a Thelemite, a Christian Scientist, a Hare Krishna, and sometimes a Muslim.

I am a Hare Krishna because I am a friend of Srila Prabhupada and his best godbrother, B.R. Sridhar Swami. Vaishnavism is like Christianity on acid, and I like that sort of thing, especially since it's all true. The difference is, Vaishnavism is inclusive whereas Christerism is exclusive. Small Protestant sects in particular like to exclude more and more of their fellow Christians until they become the only people who are going to be saved. The Vaishnava faith, on the other hand, tries to include as many people as possible--Christianity, they say, is incomplete Vaishnavism, and Islam is simplified Vaishnavism.

Christian Science is Vaishnava philosophy. It has a few peculiar points of its own, but basically agrees with the acaryas. I find it very helpful in dealing with illnesses, physical or mental. Some find it odd, but I have a utilitarian attitude about religious philosophies, and this one is highly utilizable.

It is, some assert, impossible to be a Muslim and a Hare Krishna--no way! But I find Islam such a rational and simple religion I cant help---well, what I do sometimes is say the Prayer then go out and eat some beef!

So far a Thelemite--Thelema is a religion of freedom--it does not have any prohibitions except "enough of because!". I am a Thelemite because I happen to have joined a Thelemic organization some years ago and reached the rank in which you cant get out anymore--you're in forever!

And that's how I do it! Questions?

THELEMA RULES!

For me, I am a Thelemite still, who has just adopted this "religion" of Krishna consciousness because I have come to believe that there is a such thing as a Supreme Personality of Godhead, and I think this is the most advanced yoga system to get to the Supreme goal, and of the goal of being a real Goswami who writes about the newer and newer Pastimes of Krishna. Only thing, I believe in the Bill of Rights as given in Liber OZ, and that to smoke or not is strictly a matter for the individual to decide, like whether or not to have sex, or what to eat. Generally, man has the right to alter his own consciousness with whatever drugs he wants to. And no ecclesiastic body, College of Cardinals, GBC, Council of Mullahs, can order him differently.

Thelema means Will--Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law. This does NOT mean do whateverthe hell you want! Thou means the Supersoul, or Higher Self--one fellow was very obdurate in insisting that it doesnt mean that, and that he had "read Crowley"--didnt read the commentary on the Book of the Law, though. That Book is a very peculiar scripture--some say it is a collection of black magick spells, but I assert that it is a scripture, and therefore entitled to as much respect as the Bible or the Qu'ran.

One time I had been living in the Krishna Temple for about two weeks--and I found that the diet was not meeting my nutritional needs--most of these guys cook for taste, not nutrition. I had become listless and indolent, and my energy was gone. I identified the culprit as lack of choline. Choline is found best in eggs--there is a vegetarian source too, but I didnt know what it was. So I went down the street and had a nice cheese omlette--and I was right! It immediately restored my energy. Then came the fun! I happened to mention to the treasurer what I had for lunch, and he immediately snitched on me to the Temple President. The Temple President knew about me, so he paid it no mind. But this snitch started broadcasting my omelette to the community in general; "He couldnt control his senses' was his conclusion. Actually, what I did was exactly to control my senses and restore them. If he knew what I am eating these days to maintain myself for chanting and serving, he would shit his pants--Thelema is very practical.

"The Revolution is like a train--some people get on--and some people get off--but the train keeps moving along"---Leon Trotsky

It is a fact that Prabhupada was a revolutionist--he once said, "If they knew what I was up to, they would kill me." Prabhupada was flying under the radar--nobody had the intelligence to understand the Hare Krishna movement, and it is still flying under the radar, which is a good tning because very few of today's devotees could tangle with someone like William F. Buckley Jr. one on one.

The only really substantial difference I have with Srila Prabhupada is that he says, "six hours of sleep is enough for anyone". This idea made the monks sleep-deprived, and therefore irrritable, slow minded, and less able. For me, I need at least 8 hours of sleep, and maybe a little more, not to feel wired up.

I am an independent Hare Krsna--I do not depend on the Temple for my spiritual life like many do. I am not even a member of ISKCON or any other group. The likeliest one would be the Sri Chaitanya Saraswat Math founded by B.R.Sridhar Swami--but although I love their founder, they do not like me--I committed some offense years ago and they have very long memories. They are still mad at me, it wasnt that big of an offense, and they can go fuck themselves.
I just keep company with Srila Sridhar and Prabhupada, and that is enough devotional association for me.

Next post I will talk about how you can be all these different things like a Thelemite and a Hare Krishna at the same time.

Cigars and Japa Yoga Pt.2

For me, I am a Thelemite still, who has just adopted this "religion of Krishsna" because I thinik it is the most advanced yoga to get to the Supreme Goal, and I have been convinced of the fact of Golok, and of the goal of being a real Goswami who writes about all the newer and newer pastimes of Lord Krishna-I have not given up the real goal of Thelema, either--and that "faith" allows one to smoke as he pleases, eat what he pleases, and shoot into the body anything he pleases--and no ecclesiastical power has any right to stop him, or to regulate that--that is up to him alone.

It is a little observed fact, but I, for instance, am not a member of ISKCON--never have been, although I have "gone to church" there for a number of years. And the Sri Chairanya Saraswat Math does not like me--there was some little incident years ago and they appear to have long, long memories, and I do not like that--it is not a good quality.

So I find myself not associating with anybody at this time but the acarya, Srila Prabhupada, and his supporting player, Srila Sridhar Dev Goswami. I am currently reading the 2d volume of Srila Sridhar's sermons, and I have been writing so much that I am neglecting Bhagavad Gita As It Is. But Prabhupada says, "If you think the temple admimistration is not very good, you can keep company directly with the acarya.

Mind you, I dont have any idea where all these quotes are that you find here--but I am not going to look any of them up if you disbelieve me; I say these are axctual quotes and if you need to know so much, look them up yourself!

clayton

Cigars and Japa Yoga

There was a period when I was very fond of good cigars--I liked Mexican sugundos from the San Andres Valley--similarly I was fond of japa (chanting on beads)--so I liked to chant on beads while puffing a cigar, and I did not see any harm in this.

Naturally, somebody would be offended--" People will think the Hare Krishnas smoke!" So what! They think we're child molesters, anyhow, and that we take contracts to murder someone, and that we're all on drugs, so we might as well smoke--better hanged for a dog as for a man!

A certain individual decided to lay into me about this, and conclude that I "shouldnt chant at all"He himself didnt chant at all, that was the fact. He was a very foul-mouthed person and was part olf what youo might call the perpetual administration of the Temple.

Temple Presidents and Administrators generally have a very low level of Krishna consciousness--because administration goes one way and Bhakti Devi goes another. And being on the GBC is like being on the Supreme Court--once on, you're on for life!

Fear of Telling

(from my journal) So i have this fear of trying to explain to any of the devotees about my relationshipwith Prabhupada. This is what they all want, so there would be a lot of envy, disbelief, and the general attitude that I was either lying or joking, and those in authority would call me a sahajiya (one who takes things very cheaply) And nobody would believe that Prabhupada came to me despite my meat-eating diet and, upon hearing the scriptural reasons, approved it for me (not for everybody).. But Prabhupada is not one-sided--like Krishna, he is all-sided, and he has the power to adjust the rules for any individual.

There is no policy in Krishna consiousness that you should keep spiritual experiences secret, as many other groups say. I dont know! I tried telling Jitendriya but froze up and couldnt do it! I just had to say, Prabhu pada has noticed me--after all these years, I have managed to attract his attention, and he says, "Hey, Clayton!" If you spend most of your time writing long articles about Krshna consiousness and publishing them on the internet, I think sooner or later Prabhupada will take notice of your work, and that is a long, lomng cherished ambition of mine.

Trying not to freeze up is too hard--I have decided to follow the Crowley/occult principles and not tell anyone s--t about my realizations--that way I wont cause any negativity or envy, and will continue to be like the 6th Patriach--he just pounded rice in his monastery because the other monks did not think him good for anything--but he recieved the dharma transmission from the 5th Patriach--then he had to run for his life. So next consideration--do these sort of blissful moods do me any good? I should be in normal consiousness--whatever it takes to achieve that I should do--I dont need any altered states--"The first duty of a transendentalist is to control his mind and senses." (rupa Goswami) This means if prescription drugs are required, take them. And chant Hare Krishna, carry out whatever ceremonies and rituals are required, remember the spiritual master always, or at least 3x a day, and try to accept the four regs and make them your own, And if you cant do all this, at least read one of Srila Prabhupada's books.

Follow your Highest Ideal, not your "Dream"

I get so anxious about all this stuff, and really, about anything! When I go out, I get anxious that I will be mugged--I get anxious that I will not be able to sleep--every night--- I get anxious that I am not taking enough medication and somethng bad will happen--and so on. But my faith in the spiritual master makes everything run ok anyhow, with few symptoms at all, except one encounter with my late father. I was walking along, pleased with myself and I must have had some thought about being a man, because I heard this voice in my head say, "Oh, no you're not!"I had heard that a number of times from my father, so I just replied, "You're dead, Pop"and that was the end of it. People who have read too much pop psychology do not understand that I have put the "bad suggestions from Pop" stuff in the spam folder--I have rejected him for being just too mean, and he has rejected me. But I have accepted Srila Prabhupada as my real father, and whn I did, I felt bliss and memories of Pop just went away.

Many people including Pop and this worthless lawyer who came on the ward to "help patients" going before a Judge to apply for a habeas corpus--he never did anything at all, thought that I was a drifter--not so; I was chasing a special caterpillar on the Tree of Life, as Crowley says; my Ideal was simply uncommon and not easily identifiable by anybody who was not on the same Path himself. If you follow your Ideal rather than your "dream", i find that as Christ says, "everything needed will be given unto you"--in time! There will be problems to solve of a more difficult kind than the Average Joe has, and there will be setbacks and humiliations and hardships--but if you maintain the Highest Ideal, it will maintain you, and you will attain siddhi (perfection) of that ideal, and you will cross over all obstacles by Krishna's grace and the grace of the spiritual master.
So Srila Prabhupada has noticed me, quite recently, although a lot of people who should know better think he died in 1977. From being just another devotee wannabe, I have attracted him by writing constantly about Krishna consciousness and publishing on the web.. Srila Prabhupada is always very pleased by anyone who tries to write about Transcendence, and he helps such a devotee in every way.
Srila Prabhupada says that he has read all of my stuff, going back to my senior year in high school, and he says that I am very talented at this. How does Srila Prabhupada speak to me? Same way God speaks to George W.Bush!! All of this is Prabhupada's arrangement--he arranged for a quiet apartment for me in a neighborhood I like, then he got me a computer, then to the internet, then to a blog where I quickly discovered that a blog is the ideal place for a writer of my style. "The secret of success is to please the bonafide spiritual master"

New Guy on the Blog

Hello, new readers! My name is Clayton, and because it is so rare, I like to think of myself as a one-name person like Cher and Madonna--there are probably 6 persons in the world with Clayton as their first name, and none of them are like me--I think of mysrlf as defining the word--like, "a ton of clay". I live in North Oakland, and Oakland, I believe, is fourth in the nation in murders--but it is mostly young blacks killing other young blacks, and being an old white man I dont thnk I am much of a target! But when the bullets arent flying, its a very nice place--unlike San Francisco, everyplace you want to go isnt on top of a hill, and there are cafes and Italian delis, and Yuppie mexican restaurants, and an outstanding museum, and everyting that makes living in a city worthwhile, includings lots of sports teams--the Giants, the A's, the Raiders, the 49rs, the Sharks, the Warriors (I typed Worrriers), Cal and Stanford, and I believe e still have a pro soccer team, also. We have the Alameda County Sheriffs ( cops, not a sports team) famously known as the Blue Meanies since the time of People's Park's founding, and Jack London Square, where you can go look at the Bay. And there is Lake Merritt, a beautiful man-made lake a short walk from the center of town, which features the "garland of lights" when it gets dark. I have long wanted Oakland to adopt the slogan "The City of Night"--Paris, France is the City of Light.

Anyhow, I am a Hare Krishna, and I am generally known as the "bipolar Hare Krsna in the blogosphere".I think we are losing our reputation as a brainwashing cult--a news article once described us as 'going mainstream". Certainly, monastic life of any kind is definable as "brainwashing"--Hare Krishna, Catholic, Buddhist--all much the same thing, but it is no more brainwashing than military boot camp, which in many ways it resembles. And as they say about the US Marines, after basic training, they often develop into very very interesting characters, and wwe Hare Krishnas also tend to become very independent thinkers once we are fixed up, as we say, in the philosophy.

Devotional service means to have a great Ideal over your head, and to be on the Path to ealizing that ideal. Srila Sridhar Dev says that this is the greatest wealth in life. Certainly, I am not going to get any other type of wealth, so its like the two Zen monks: One says, "OK, what happens next?"and the other replies, "Nothing--this is it".Somehow, that seems very true and funny to me!

Well, I did not write down any addresses for this blog, and lithium does a number on your memory, so I want to find out how I can get back to it, and maybe this is my first and last post! So later, as the beatniks said!